Tools For Lowering Your and The Other’s Wall of Protection

The Wall of Protection exists to preserve the safety of the owner, either you or the other. In the presence of stress or threat (perceived or real) the Wall becomes higher and wider restricting the flow of love between people which allows negative feeling to develop; frustration, anger, resentment, passive aggression, hostility, and so on. The Wall of Protection can even be used as a damaging tool, like a Maxwell’s silver hammer coming down upon her head. The purpose of this brief lesson is to give you tools to manage your Wall of Protection, increase the flow of love, bring stability to your relationships so that you can give more attention to helping the world become a better place.

  1. There are two Walls of Protection in the relationship, yours and the other’s. Before you can help the other lower their Wall be aware of and attend to your own Wall first.
    1. Don’t respond to the negativity, accusations, and “You” statements. These are merely signs that there is a problem to solve. They are part of the other’s Wall and are indicators that the other does not feel safe, or feels threatened. These feelings are in response to something that is real or perceived, known or unknown to you or the other.
    2. If the negativity makes you feel unsafe or threatened then your natural response will be to make your own Wall go up. You may experience a rush of chemicals and hormone as if you needed to protect yourself from a life threatening predator.
      1. Calm yourself. Take a few deep breathes, really. It helps control the flood of chemical.
      2. Remind yourself that the other needs to feel safe again.
      3. Remind yourself that the other is your lover and friend and in spite of the negativity coming your way, give a kind and loving response.
      4. Say, “What can I do to help?”
      5. If the negativity continues to come your way then suggest that you need to take a break for a few 15-30 minutes but that you will come back to deal with the problem. During your break continue your breathing (very important). Remind yourself that the other is your lover/friend to be treated as such. Ask yourself what might have triggered the other’s unsafe feelings (Remember the other’s unsafe feeling probably have little to do with you.) When you feel calmer/safe return to the other with this question: “What can we do to solve this problem?”
  2. Attend to the other’s Wall of Protection.
    1. The other’s Wall of Protection will be restored to its normal place only in the presence of love. You are completely unable to lower another’s Wall. It is impossible, do not attempt. The other will only lower their Wall when it is safe again. Make the other feel safe with love.
      1. Think kind/loving thoughts about the other. The other will feel them.
      2. Smile at the other. The other will recognize your genuine smile and feel safer.
      3. Only say positive, loving and kind words; yes, thank you, how can I help.
      4. Remember the Wall will come done in time, usually less than a few minutes. If longer than three days, seek help.
      5. If the other will allow it (and only if they will allow it) touch the other. Say may I hug you? You can use these to help discern if the Wall is coming down. It also signals to the other that you are safe. Touching releases the powerful brain chemical oxytocin which facilitates bonding and trust. A gentle touch, holding hands, hugging are helpful ways to help the other lower the Wall…IF THEY ARE WILLING. Undesired touching is manipulative and intrusive and creates a strong negative affect. ONLY TOUCH WITH PERMISSION!

The Wall of Protection is one of the most important aspects of a person’s life. It makes people feel safe. The Wall should be honored and respected with love. These tools can help.


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